Heart rate...

Dreams on the move...

I frequently wake up and tell P "I don't want to…." whatever I'd been dreaming about. This morning I was "I don't want to buy a new house and move." A few days ago it was "I don't want to move to Louisville." Apparently there have been enough other "I don't want tos" about moving recently because he asked why I was having so many dreams about moving. I told him about Michele's comments on the post from July suggesting that I was dreaming about moving because of I'd been thinking about what all needed to be moved around for the nursery. I bet that's it--that has been on my mind a lot this week. I knew A was coming to town last weekend and I didn't want to start doing anything to the guest room before her visit so I hadn't done anything in there until this week. This week we started moving a few things out of the nursery and this weekend I hope to move my clothes out of that closet so I can start stashing Rico's stuff in there. Moving is in my head and apparently I feel the need to move in my sleep!

So judgemental...and I don't think its the hormones

So I really should stop reading the pregnancy journals on Baby Crowd. Really. I never realized how judgemental I am. Today I was reading the journal of a 22 year old who is 15 weeks pregnant with her first baby. Today's entry was complaining about how her baby daddy (for some reason, I'm assuming he's not her husband--another judgement!) drinks too much. Then she turned right around and starting writing about how hard it is for her to stop smoking--she's hasn't stopped yet! Of course, in her reflections on her pregnancy, her biggest fear is that she'll have complications during her pregnancy or the baby will be sick. Pretty damn good thing to be afraid of if she's still sucking on cancer sticks. Oh, and she also thinks people treat you differently if you're on "Medicade." Image that. You can't even spell it, taxpayers are paying for your prenatal care while you're buying Marlboros and you're baby daddy is drunk all the time, and you think your treating differently? Perhaps with some disdain? It was all I could do to not leave snarky, bitchy comments in her guestbook.

Then there's the girl who is only 6 weeks along, keeps talking about how much is going wrong with the pregnancy, how worried her baby daddy is, how she has to go to the doctor's everyweek…..AND HOW SHE AND LILY (the baby) WENT JET SKIING LAST WEEK! I'm sorry, I've never been jet skiing. I really don't know how exertional or dangerous it is. But? Seriously? I know they say at that point there's not really anything you can do to cause or prevent a miscarriage, but still. Jet skiiing?

And don't even get me started on the people who ask questions on Yahoo! "I got stuck with a fat black guy as an OBGYN because on one else would see me cause I’m 5 months along and on Medicaid. Is it legal for them to see me?" That girl got reamed for being a racist and for being on Medicaid.

Moving on up!

Rico is moving on up. When we started listening to his heartbeat, we found him just above the pubic bone. Over the past several weeks of listening to him, he's gotten higher or higher. He's supposed to be about belly button level at 20 weeks. He has about 4 inches to go to get there.

Moving on up...to the east side. To a deluxe apartment in the sky......

Hormones...

So P and I knew we'd be in for some emotional outbursts with this entire process. Hormones always leave me rather prone to them anyway. How could I not have a few dozen outbursts (a week) while preggers? I don't think either of us were necessarily prepared for such an event at 3 am yesterday. Yep, had to get up for one of my many middle of the sleep cycle bathroom breaks, laid back down and suddenly got overwhelmed.

Earlier we'd been talking about finding out if we’re having Preston or Isla and P commented (yet again) that we could wait to get stuff until after the baby is here. Ok, we've been through this before. Regardless of whether or not we are able to find out if he's a she or she's a he, the nursery WILL be done before the kid is here. As much as possible anyway--I know there will be things we don't think of or need extras of right away, but I'm not planning any post-partum shopping trips. I don't know how I will feel, I don't know if this will be a "good baby" or a baby that cries constantly, I know it's not a great idea taking a freshly birthed baby out in public right away, and it's going to be January, so I'm doubting it's going to be 70 degrees and sunny. I don't know how serious P is about the entire issue or how much he's just trying to tease me b/c he KNOWS that such a plan will.not.work.for.me. But it doesn't matter. At 3:00 yesterday morning, such comments felt like resistance to getting things ready for this little guy or girl. Which feels like resistance to Parenthood. There's a whole long list of things I think I need to do before we even START on the nursery and he's resistant. The list may totally be birthed out of my own neuroses, but hey, I'm the pregnant lady. I get to be neurotic.

So at 03:00, I'm lying in bed, thinking about everything that needs to be done. Thinking about my husband's resistance to doing them. Suddenly, the "WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING????" panic joined in the head-games. P has pretty good sensory perception and he asked what was wrong. The tears started. Not just tears. Bawling. Loud. Messy. Ugly. Crying. P does a good job of calming me down. No, he doesn't mean to be resistant to anything. Whenever I'm ready to start doing anything in the nursery, he's ready. He thought I didn't want to do anything until we find out the sex. He understands that I need to plan and organize things to feel some sense of control and needs to remember that we handle things differently in that regard. He certainly understands the panic over what we're getting ourselves into. He needs to remember that I have that fear too and be more sensitive to how I need to deal with it. All the right things.

Finally, he turns over to go back to sleep. My sensory perception kicks in and I question what's wrong. He says he's just tired. I start bawling again. Its my fault he's tired because I've kept him awake and he has a day full of surgery and he's going to feel like crap because of me.

Oh. And it didn't help that he decided that this was the night the dogs were going to stop sleeping on our bed so periodically, a dog would jump up on the bed and try to get comfy in their usual spot only to have him make them get off. After the crying spell, Bumper jumped up and P gave up.

I ended up taking off half a day yesterday, buying some organizational things for the closet and started getting the closet in our bedroom ready for me to move my stuff out of the baby's room's closet into our room. I packed up another round of clothes that I can't wear again until after the baby is born and put them in the storage room. I also emptied an armoire that was in the baby's room and we moved it downstairs to the new spare bedroom. And I got a pedicure. All in all, a productive, but relaxing afternoon.

P admitted that the dogs were more settled sleeping on the bed than off the bed so they were back in their usually spots last night. And the entire house slept well last night.

Updates....

Surprisingly, time seems to be flying by right now. Week 15 already. I've been reading a lot about quickening and feeling Rico for the first time. I don't know if it was the power of suggestion Tuesday night because I'd been reading so much about it or what, but I was lying in bed and felt a little tap-tap-tap from the inside. It was surprising and I don't know if it was him or something else. Mom says hers was more of a flutter or rumble when she'd first feel us but some people I've read have the tap-tap feeling first. Anyway, the tap-tap-tap was right in the area where we find Rico to listen to his heartbeat so it might have been him. Nothing since then. Gotta be patient.

Morning sickness is still sticking around a bit. I'll go a few days with nothing (I even went 7 or 8!), then I'll get sick. The good part is that it doesn’t last long when it happens now.

3 weeks to my next doctor's appointment. Dr. S said we'll schedule the ultrasound then. Hopefully we'll be able to find out if he's really a him or he's a her. P doesn't seem so certain its a boy anymore--I had little girl dreams twice last week. He's a big believer in momma knowing. We'll find out next month!

Random thoughts.....

Ugh. I hope you slept better last night than I did. I was doing okay--P was on call but only had one middle of the night page and it was timed for a potty break anyway--until 3. After that potty break, the mind started racing. Nothing bad--total random stuff. How do you know how much the baby eats when you're breastfeeding? How do you know when to burp it? We need a new set of sheets for our bed. Will my mom be able to sleep on the daybed or the new sofa type bed downstairs if we have her come stay with us for a few days after the baby is born or should be not get rid of the bed that's in the spare bedroom/soon to be nursery? I need to wash the sheets on the spare bed for her to stay to dogsit Saturday night. I have to clear all the clothes off the spare bed. I need to wash the maternity clothes a friend loaned me so the dogs don't go nuts because the clothes don't smell like me. What AM I going to do with my closet once we set up the nursery? Finally P asked what was wrong and I asked the breastfeeding question. There are lines on a bottle. I know there are lines on a bottle, but there aren't lines on my boob and I don't think I’m going to magically sprout any at delivery! Ugh. I came to absolutely no resolutions about anything (of course). Hopefully I can manage to stay awake today.

Emotional rollercoaster.....

Symptom update: this week brought an improvement in morning sickness and my headaches, but the water works have started. P said about 2 words to me the other night and I started bawling.

So nervous....

Time to stop the progesterone. We'll check my levels in a week and make sure they're okay, but for now, no more magic pills. I KNOW that the placenta is supposed to be making the progesterone now. I've read countless posts from women who were on progesterone for the first trimester, stopped it and were fine. I know the amount of progesterone in the pills is tiny compared to what the placenta should be doing on it's own. I know, I know, I know. But I'm still nervous.

I've missed my first dose now. It's gonna be a stressful weekend.

12 weeks....maternity clothes

Last summer when I was around 7 weeks along, P and I were in St. Louis and I did a little shopping for maternity clothes. I didn't get far enough along to wear them. This time, I've almost been superstitious about it....almost a fear that wearing maternity clothes will be bad luck. I started wearing bella bands on some of my pants a week or so ago and nothing bad happened. This morning I tried on one of the maternity shirts I bought last summer. Um. Ok. I don't really need that much tummy room, but if I'm going to wear this thing before my boobs explode out of the top, I'd better do so NOW. So with P encouraging me that I look "cute," I left the house in my first article of actual maternity clothing this morning. Meanwhile, my pants are some of the roomier ones I had pre-pregnancy and are fine without even a band. Ironically, I have a shirt at home that is not maternity that I keep trying on and refuse to wear because I think it looks too much like a maternity top.

I eavesdropped on Rico last night...thub-thubbing away in the 150s. Love that sound.

Dream, dream, dream

So what's with the dreams that come with pregnancy? Last night I dreamt that P and I had to move in 2 days. We weren't living in this house--we were living in the house I grew up in and that my parents sold about 12 years ago. My parents had already moved all their stuff, we had 0 boxes packed, and had no boxes for packing. We also had no idea where we were moving to, P was on call, someone showed up to mow the yard, my Grandma kept calling me about going shopping for curtains, and no one could understand why I was more than a little stressed about the situation. I woke up before the situation resolved.

Thub dub, thub dub

We heard the thub dub and have a recording of it, but can't post it on here. Apparently you can only post pictures and videos. Oh well.

I love hearing the thub dub though. It gets me closer to thinking in terms of having a baby instead of just being pregnant.

Divine signs?

I know symptoms such as morning sickness and sore boobs can come and go but it feels like God is using them to reassure me about things. I'd been feeling better the past few days, especially with the morning sickness.

This morning I had a dream that I'd started spotting (I actually dreamt that I'd had a dream that I'd started spotting, then woke up and did start spotting). Admittedly, it shook me up a little. I was confused when I first woke up---did I? didn't I? It took me a minute to realize what was real and what had happened. Luckily in the dream, I was in another country so waking up in my own bed helped reassure me that it was only a dream.

Still, the thought was there. But alas, morning sickness struck again pretty strong today and the girls are a bit more tender than usual so it feels like all is well. P wants to "go fishing" for the heartbeat tonight. I have to remember that even if we can't find it, it doesn't mean anything is wrong--we just may not be able to find it every time.

more later-

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Just realized...

I looked back over the past few months of posts and saw the date on the post about Faith. April 22. That's my LMP date. The start of the cycle that created Rico.

Wow.

Milestone day....

Today is one of those personal milestone days. It was the equivalent of this day last summer when I started spotting and we had the devastating ultrasound. I've been feeling so much more confident this time around, but today has been a rough day for that confidence. My grandma called this morning and was telling me about some things she bought for Rico and it was really hard to hear--I was just too scared this morning to imagine bringing home a bunch of baby stuff.

I'm feeling better this afternoon though. The doppler we ordered came several days ago but we hadn't had any luck with it. The instructions say its not strong enough to pick up anything before 12 weeks and since I've continued to be pretty sick, I really wasn't too concerned. But today I needed it to work and it did. Talk about your answered prayers. P was able to find Rico and we could hear the heartbeat loud and clear--well, as long as I held my breath! Just the reassurance I needed today. It was like hearing God talk to us.

I also think I'm ready to unlock my blog. So far, only a couple people have had access to it. I've decided against going back and editing some of the older posts. One, I can't relive the pain reading them would bring right now. Two, the pain was too real to just erase the record of it. So if you stumble across this blog and want to read about my journey for the past several months, it's here in black and write.

One thing that has surprised me on my journey is how beneficial it has been to share my experiences with someone going through her own version of that pain. I pray that I and she never have to experience that pain again.

More later...Happy 4th.