Waiting for a phone call....

A little bit of spotting this morning so we're checking HCG levels again. The lab said Dr S's office should have the results in about an hour. I've been home an hour now so hopefully they'll call soon with a BIG number to reassure me.

UPDATE: BIG number!!! 14,000! Tripled in the last 3 days! Its been about 15 hours and no more spotting. Hopefully it was just some superficial skin irritation and not actually spotting. My ultrasound appointment is in 62 hours. I pray we see around a 6 week fetus with a strong heartbeat. Or hey, with the way my levels have been increasing, maybe 2 fetuses with strong heartbeats!

P's in New Orleans this weekend and my plan is to be very sedentary. I rented some movies and I have plenty of reading materials.

Is it too early to claim pregnancy brain?

Yesterday was Speckles birthday and she always gets ice cream for her birthday. No, she doesn't get a party, just ice cream. I stopped at Food Giant and bought a pint of vanilla to split among the four of us. I specifically remember thinking during the 3 minute drive home that I hoped I remember to put the ice cream in the freezer when I got home. Forty-five minutes later, I look in the dining room to see the ice cream sitting on the table. Luckily, neither of the pups, nor P and I are picky about ice cream. It sufficiently refroze for consumption.

Meanwhile, still no morning sickness. I've been really hungry though--I'm goint to try not obsess about points or calories and just make good food choices. I've been tired, but not as bad as it was with the last pregnancy--my thyroid levels were low then. This time I started out in the upper range of normal so Dr. H thought I'd be good with the same dosage. We'll check it again next month to make sure.

More later,

Frustrations

I've been reading pregnancy journals at a site where anyone can sign up for a little journal where they can record their thoughts and feelings during their pregnancies. I found the site last summer and enjoyed reading the journals of people with due dates close to mine--it was really exciting when I started seeing a lot of due dates AFTER mine. I started reading them again a few days ago and find myself getting so frustrated.

One girl's latest entry is focused on things like getting a Verizon bill in the mail when she didn't pay last month's and her (husband's? boyfriend's?) job is only for the summer, she's going to school, she doesn't know which bills to pay, and doesn't know how they're going to prepare for the baby.

Obviously these people are ready to be parents.

Its so frustrating that they'll probably have the stress-free pregnancy (health-wise anyway) and never consider that fact that something might go wrong.

Then another girl who says claims that "the worst thing about pregnancy has started…morning sickness!" Uh, no. Morning sickness isn't the worse thing about pregnancy. Morning sickness is a reassurance from your body that everything is proceeding like it should. I PRAY for morning sickness. The worse thing about a pregnancy is when you see blood and then find out that your HCG levels are dropping or that your little one no longer has a heartbeat.

I need to get over this feeling of entitlement that comes from us being able to afford to have a baby and knowing that we'll appreciate things so much more than other people since we've lost four.

Go beta go!

My levels are still rising nicely. Up from 135 on the 20th to 4300 today. I don't think there will ever be a time that I won't be nervous, but I feel better than I did last week. Very few people know at this point. I can't handle having another loss where people know but no one says anything--it feels too much like people don't care. I'd rather people just didn't know. My levels should be high enough to have a chance at seeing something on the ultrasound next week but the timing will be in the gray area where I shouldn't worry if they can't see anything.

Still praying....

Our little coqui....

My hcg levels tripled in 48 hours. This is good. I can be hopeful. I was excited to find out my levels rose from 43 to 135 in 48 hours. But I still can't really be excited about being pregnant. I may have a hard time being excited until I see an ultrasound after 8 weeks. With my longest pregnancy, the ultrasound at 11 weeks showed the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. Speaking of ultrasounds, Dr H went ahead and scheduled one for June 1. We may not be able to see much because I won't even be 6 weeks yet, but I hope he'll order another one the next week if we can't see a heartbeat yet.

I saw Dr. S today for an ear thing and mentioned that I'm obsessively peeing on sticks to see how fast they turn positive. I know there's no scientific basis for doing that, but it makes me feel better.

Saying lots of prayers, please join me.

It's sad....

That we can't get more excited about a positive pregnancy test anymore. This morning, when I held it up to the light and squinted and looked at it JUST right a few hours after I took it, I thought there might be a line. This evening I took another one and it was clearly positive in the set time frame. I have an appointment to see the specialist tomorrow anyway. We'll see what he says about things.

Hopeful, but not really excited.

We'd hoped that vacation would be fruitful. Maybe we'll get our little Puerto Rican baby. Since Flo showed up a week before vacation, she didn't get to go with us and I was ovulating by the time we got back home so a pregnancy at this point would be an extra souvenir.

Faith

faith 
–noun 1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.


All of these definitions sound similar when you first read them--they all relate to trust or belief in something. But that last one...that #8 is a biggie. It pretty much rolls all the rest of them up into a big ball and presents it in one lump sum...trusting in God AND His promises...not based on proof....a system of religious beliefs...an obligation of fidelity to a promise.

That #8 is a tricky one. Over the past few years, my life has seen a lot of flux in #8. As much as I want to feel strong in that faith and be confident in it, things keep happening in life to make me feel like that faith is surfing in a tsunami. For while, I feel like I'm riding the top of the wave, then something bigger comes crashing down to knock me off my board. When I get back up, sometimes I'm higher than I was starting out, sometimes not.

Okay, so obviously I know nothing about surfing. You get the point though--you feel good about life, something happens, then you don't feel so hot. Forgive me if I continue with the metaphor.

During one of my off-the-board moments a few months ago, I bought a keychain. Nothing fancy, but it caught my eye at Dollar General and I liked it---a little piece of leather, a few beads, and a little silver charm that says "Faith." Cute. I thought it would be a nice little reminder of that concept that seems all to fleeting. Each time I grabbed my keys to run to the grocery store or Blockbuster, I'd have a little reminder about faith. I paid for my purchases and the keychain sat in its box on the kitchen cabinet for a few days before I put it into use.

The little silver charm catches my eye occasionally over the next few months. My faith grows again. I'm not on my highest wave, but I'm on the board.

Then the keychain breaks.

See where this is going?

Probably not.

When I got home last night, I started to toss my keys on the counter like I do so frequently. The little silver charm came off my cheap little keychain. But instead of "losing faith," I was left holding the charm in my hand and my keys were on the counter. It struck me that sometimes faith is what we are left with, what we have to hold on to. We must nurture it accordingly whether we are on top of our boards or we've wiped out.

Hello out there!

No updates on the baby front. I had the hysterosalpingogram today. It was uncomfortable, but not as painful as I was told it could be. My uterus looked fine. One tube may be blocked but apparently it's not a problem since I haven't had any problems getting pregnant. I'll call tomorrow and make another appointment with the specialist to see if there's anything else to do but try again. I also want to find out if next time I have a positive pee stick I can just ignore it for a couple of weeks or if I need to get some labs done right away.

We're getting ready for vacation. Its a little strange--I started planning this vacation as a project after the miscarriage in September. The entire time we've been planning it, I've assumed I'll be pregnant when we go. We'll find out the day we leave if we're successful this month or not. So we'll either be very newly pregnant or Aunt Flo will be going to Puerto Rico with us. Yippee.

Another update--I should be able to finish my Masters Degree in June! Yippee!

More later,

Lisa

Long time no update

Not much going on here. We got the floors done last month and love them! The house can actually feel clean now.

This weekend I'm having a garage sale to try to clear out some stuff. We got a fold down sofa to go downstairs so P's bachelor couch can go bye bye. Once we need a nursery upstairs, we'll move the spare bedroom downstairs and the couch will go in there.

I found out today there's a chance I can finish up my degree this summer. I need to finish a project before vacation and then finish my paper in the few weeks after vacation. It seems doable so hopefully I can make it happen. I'll be so relieved to have that done.

No news on the baby front. Today is the day I'd expect to start if not for the progesterone. I don't know when to expect to start with the progesterone--last month was about 2 weeks late but it was also the first cycle so it may have been later because of that. IF I don't start, I'm going to try to not test at all for 2 weeks. Thus far it hasn't been hard because after last month I wouldn't believe a positive anyway. If I do start this month I'll have a HSG a week to 10 days afterwards so they can look at the structure of my uterus. Then we can officially start trying again.

I don't care much for the progesterone. It doesn't really make me nauseous or give me sore boobs but I think it's why I'm so tired all the time.

More later-

lisa

False alarm....

My levels after the positive pee stick were really low. We checked them over a couple of days and they rose very little. Dr. S checked with the maternal med specialist who said that they couldn't be considered positive since they were so low. Since I'm on the hormones, my body is kinda confused about what it's supposed to be doing. I was actually relieved to be told I wasn't actually pregnant instead of having to face another loss with levels not rising. Aunt Flo finally showed up today so hopefully my cycles will get back to normal now. I think we're going to wait until after vacation to try again.

This weekend is flooring weekend. Hopefully it goes quickly and P doesn't end up working all weekend on that and then have to be on call Monday and Tuesday. I should take pictures of our nasty old carpeting before we tear it up.

Here we go again

All my positive pee sticks before were clearly positive by the time my period was due. I checked last week when I was 2 days late and the result looked really questionable. The next day it looked definitely negative. This afternoon, 8 days late, I peed on another stick and it was definitely positive. Light but positive. I took another after dinner (after drinking 19 glasses of water at dinner) and it was ambiguous again.

I'll call the doctor's office tomorrow. I called yesterday to ask if I could stop taking the progesterone and she wisely said to keep taking it. I suspect they get tired of hearing from me all the time.

WoW

Long time, no update. Guess it's a good thing no one is actually following this--they'd think I'd fallen off the edge of the earth.

I've been taking progesterone the past 2 weeks. Dr. H wanted me to start taking it a few days after ovulation, until my period starts. I started it around a week after I ovulated (just a timing thing) and now I'm a week late. Pee sticks are negative. Guess it's just the progesterone delaying things. I want to stop taking it so AF will come soon--I haven't have one since the last m/c and I really want to get it over with.

We went to see Alyson and Joe last week. Lots of fun! Friday morning we spent a frigid morning zipping about the lakeshore on Segways. Saturday Alyson and I went to IKEA and I dragged her around forever being indecisive. I ended up with a new tv stand, DVD shelves, a couple picture frames, and some organizing stuff. Saturday night our sweeties cooked a marvelous dinner for us. Sunday we drove home.

We have our flooring and are ready for Terry's spring break! In 2 weeks, Terry and P will be installing hardwood in our living room and hallway, and a new floor in the kitchen/dining room.

We are also well into making our vacations arrangements. I can't wait for May!

That's all for now!

Doctor's appointment

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I was extremely nervous yesterday and this morning. I did okay yesterday trying not to eat my anxiety, but I haven't done as well today. I still have some of my weekly flex points left though so it hasn't gotten too out of control. I think now I'm just sad.

I met with Dr. H today. There are some more tests he wants to order, but he wants to do some research on thyroid issues to make sure he doesn't miss a test that might tell us something so I don't have a script yet. The RN will call me. I also need to have either an HSG, which my doctor had talked to me about before and she can do, or a special ultrasound that he wasn't sure if they do down here but he can do in St. Charles. P and I will both have karotyping done to check for genetic issues. The HSG or ultrasound he said we should wait until after my second normal cycle to do. I think that's what hit me so hard today. I wasn't in a big hurry about trying again--certainly not compared to what I've been in the past. But being told not to try again for a couple months is hard. Waiting until March to even have this test, waiting until April to start trying again....it means that this can't happen this year. It's only February but I can't have a baby this year. I thought I was going to have one in 2008 but it can't happen until at least 2010.

And what if I got pregnant this month? I think I ovulated last week. I wasn't expecting to do so but I think it happened and timing would have been right to get pregnant again. I don't know if I'm excited about the possibility or just scared.

Since my homocysteine levels were normal, he doesn't think I need Lovenox next time, but does think the baby aspirin is a good idea. Anyway, he said even if we didn't have any tests or treatment or anything, we'd have a 50/50 chance on having a successful pregnancy based on what we know so far. There's certainly still hope.

So why am I feeling so hopeless tonight?

Not much to update...

There hasn't been a lot going on the past few weeks. After ten days covered in ice and snow, we can now see our driveway. When it melts around here, it does it beautifully--the temperature has been over 50 degrees the past few days and today is absolutely gorgeous. The pups and I took a nice long walk after church.

P and I are going to Chicago this week. Thursday is a holiday so P is taking off and we're both taking of Friday and going up to see Alyson and Joe for the weekend. I can't wait to get away for a couple of days.

I have my appointment with Dr. H tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about what he might say, but P has agreed that we can try at least one more time regardless of what the doctor says about our chances. I feel like I have one more try in me and I'm not ready to give up yet.

I joined Weight Watchers again. Over the years, it's really been the only thing that's worked in helping me lose weight. And for whatever reason I can't just follow the plan on my own. My first weigh in was yesterday and I was down 5.6 poinds. P's counting points too and he's also lost about 5 points this week. I was especially proud of my loss because I had an emotional meltdown one day this week and really struggled with some anxious feelings that I typically feed. But I didn't--I even ended my week with points leftover!

Going to go read a mindless book--I'll update in a day or two with info on what happens with my doctor's appointment.

Drama Queen...

Looks like he's had a rough day, doesn't he? I looked over and he'd managed to shove his head under a pillow for a nap out of the sunshine.

This was a pretty rough week for me. Tuesday night was a really painful night, but Wednesday morning I felt a little better--the physical pain relieved some of the emotional pain. Still, it was a really hormonal week and I just wanted to curl up and not do anything most of the week. Last night was a emotional meltdown but I've felt better today. I'm so lucky to have P--I know this has all been hard on him too, plus he's had to deal with my sensitivity and hormones.

We go see the specialist in a couple of weeks. P ran into my doctor one day this week and she told him that the last lab panel we ran came back normal so hopefully we're dealing with no further complications than the MTHFR and my age. After the specialist appointment we'll talk about trying again--maybe we should wait until after vacation. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I'm not sure how many more tries I have in me. I know I can only try as many times as I can handle loss.

This week would have been the due date for the second pregnancy. I don't remember exactly what day--I think it was the 21st. If you're reading this, say a prayer for my lost Peanut.