Faith

faith 
–noun 1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.


All of these definitions sound similar when you first read them--they all relate to trust or belief in something. But that last one...that #8 is a biggie. It pretty much rolls all the rest of them up into a big ball and presents it in one lump sum...trusting in God AND His promises...not based on proof....a system of religious beliefs...an obligation of fidelity to a promise.

That #8 is a tricky one. Over the past few years, my life has seen a lot of flux in #8. As much as I want to feel strong in that faith and be confident in it, things keep happening in life to make me feel like that faith is surfing in a tsunami. For while, I feel like I'm riding the top of the wave, then something bigger comes crashing down to knock me off my board. When I get back up, sometimes I'm higher than I was starting out, sometimes not.

Okay, so obviously I know nothing about surfing. You get the point though--you feel good about life, something happens, then you don't feel so hot. Forgive me if I continue with the metaphor.

During one of my off-the-board moments a few months ago, I bought a keychain. Nothing fancy, but it caught my eye at Dollar General and I liked it---a little piece of leather, a few beads, and a little silver charm that says "Faith." Cute. I thought it would be a nice little reminder of that concept that seems all to fleeting. Each time I grabbed my keys to run to the grocery store or Blockbuster, I'd have a little reminder about faith. I paid for my purchases and the keychain sat in its box on the kitchen cabinet for a few days before I put it into use.

The little silver charm catches my eye occasionally over the next few months. My faith grows again. I'm not on my highest wave, but I'm on the board.

Then the keychain breaks.

See where this is going?

Probably not.

When I got home last night, I started to toss my keys on the counter like I do so frequently. The little silver charm came off my cheap little keychain. But instead of "losing faith," I was left holding the charm in my hand and my keys were on the counter. It struck me that sometimes faith is what we are left with, what we have to hold on to. We must nurture it accordingly whether we are on top of our boards or we've wiped out.

Hello out there!

No updates on the baby front. I had the hysterosalpingogram today. It was uncomfortable, but not as painful as I was told it could be. My uterus looked fine. One tube may be blocked but apparently it's not a problem since I haven't had any problems getting pregnant. I'll call tomorrow and make another appointment with the specialist to see if there's anything else to do but try again. I also want to find out if next time I have a positive pee stick I can just ignore it for a couple of weeks or if I need to get some labs done right away.

We're getting ready for vacation. Its a little strange--I started planning this vacation as a project after the miscarriage in September. The entire time we've been planning it, I've assumed I'll be pregnant when we go. We'll find out the day we leave if we're successful this month or not. So we'll either be very newly pregnant or Aunt Flo will be going to Puerto Rico with us. Yippee.

Another update--I should be able to finish my Masters Degree in June! Yippee!

More later,

Lisa

Long time no update

Not much going on here. We got the floors done last month and love them! The house can actually feel clean now.

This weekend I'm having a garage sale to try to clear out some stuff. We got a fold down sofa to go downstairs so P's bachelor couch can go bye bye. Once we need a nursery upstairs, we'll move the spare bedroom downstairs and the couch will go in there.

I found out today there's a chance I can finish up my degree this summer. I need to finish a project before vacation and then finish my paper in the few weeks after vacation. It seems doable so hopefully I can make it happen. I'll be so relieved to have that done.

No news on the baby front. Today is the day I'd expect to start if not for the progesterone. I don't know when to expect to start with the progesterone--last month was about 2 weeks late but it was also the first cycle so it may have been later because of that. IF I don't start, I'm going to try to not test at all for 2 weeks. Thus far it hasn't been hard because after last month I wouldn't believe a positive anyway. If I do start this month I'll have a HSG a week to 10 days afterwards so they can look at the structure of my uterus. Then we can officially start trying again.

I don't care much for the progesterone. It doesn't really make me nauseous or give me sore boobs but I think it's why I'm so tired all the time.

More later-

lisa