Random thoughts.....

Ugh. I hope you slept better last night than I did. I was doing okay--P was on call but only had one middle of the night page and it was timed for a potty break anyway--until 3. After that potty break, the mind started racing. Nothing bad--total random stuff. How do you know how much the baby eats when you're breastfeeding? How do you know when to burp it? We need a new set of sheets for our bed. Will my mom be able to sleep on the daybed or the new sofa type bed downstairs if we have her come stay with us for a few days after the baby is born or should be not get rid of the bed that's in the spare bedroom/soon to be nursery? I need to wash the sheets on the spare bed for her to stay to dogsit Saturday night. I have to clear all the clothes off the spare bed. I need to wash the maternity clothes a friend loaned me so the dogs don't go nuts because the clothes don't smell like me. What AM I going to do with my closet once we set up the nursery? Finally P asked what was wrong and I asked the breastfeeding question. There are lines on a bottle. I know there are lines on a bottle, but there aren't lines on my boob and I don't think I’m going to magically sprout any at delivery! Ugh. I came to absolutely no resolutions about anything (of course). Hopefully I can manage to stay awake today.

Emotional rollercoaster.....

Symptom update: this week brought an improvement in morning sickness and my headaches, but the water works have started. P said about 2 words to me the other night and I started bawling.

So nervous....

Time to stop the progesterone. We'll check my levels in a week and make sure they're okay, but for now, no more magic pills. I KNOW that the placenta is supposed to be making the progesterone now. I've read countless posts from women who were on progesterone for the first trimester, stopped it and were fine. I know the amount of progesterone in the pills is tiny compared to what the placenta should be doing on it's own. I know, I know, I know. But I'm still nervous.

I've missed my first dose now. It's gonna be a stressful weekend.

12 weeks....maternity clothes

Last summer when I was around 7 weeks along, P and I were in St. Louis and I did a little shopping for maternity clothes. I didn't get far enough along to wear them. This time, I've almost been superstitious about it....almost a fear that wearing maternity clothes will be bad luck. I started wearing bella bands on some of my pants a week or so ago and nothing bad happened. This morning I tried on one of the maternity shirts I bought last summer. Um. Ok. I don't really need that much tummy room, but if I'm going to wear this thing before my boobs explode out of the top, I'd better do so NOW. So with P encouraging me that I look "cute," I left the house in my first article of actual maternity clothing this morning. Meanwhile, my pants are some of the roomier ones I had pre-pregnancy and are fine without even a band. Ironically, I have a shirt at home that is not maternity that I keep trying on and refuse to wear because I think it looks too much like a maternity top.

I eavesdropped on Rico last night...thub-thubbing away in the 150s. Love that sound.

Dream, dream, dream

So what's with the dreams that come with pregnancy? Last night I dreamt that P and I had to move in 2 days. We weren't living in this house--we were living in the house I grew up in and that my parents sold about 12 years ago. My parents had already moved all their stuff, we had 0 boxes packed, and had no boxes for packing. We also had no idea where we were moving to, P was on call, someone showed up to mow the yard, my Grandma kept calling me about going shopping for curtains, and no one could understand why I was more than a little stressed about the situation. I woke up before the situation resolved.

Thub dub, thub dub

We heard the thub dub and have a recording of it, but can't post it on here. Apparently you can only post pictures and videos. Oh well.

I love hearing the thub dub though. It gets me closer to thinking in terms of having a baby instead of just being pregnant.

Divine signs?

I know symptoms such as morning sickness and sore boobs can come and go but it feels like God is using them to reassure me about things. I'd been feeling better the past few days, especially with the morning sickness.

This morning I had a dream that I'd started spotting (I actually dreamt that I'd had a dream that I'd started spotting, then woke up and did start spotting). Admittedly, it shook me up a little. I was confused when I first woke up---did I? didn't I? It took me a minute to realize what was real and what had happened. Luckily in the dream, I was in another country so waking up in my own bed helped reassure me that it was only a dream.

Still, the thought was there. But alas, morning sickness struck again pretty strong today and the girls are a bit more tender than usual so it feels like all is well. P wants to "go fishing" for the heartbeat tonight. I have to remember that even if we can't find it, it doesn't mean anything is wrong--we just may not be able to find it every time.

more later-

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Just realized...

I looked back over the past few months of posts and saw the date on the post about Faith. April 22. That's my LMP date. The start of the cycle that created Rico.

Wow.

Milestone day....

Today is one of those personal milestone days. It was the equivalent of this day last summer when I started spotting and we had the devastating ultrasound. I've been feeling so much more confident this time around, but today has been a rough day for that confidence. My grandma called this morning and was telling me about some things she bought for Rico and it was really hard to hear--I was just too scared this morning to imagine bringing home a bunch of baby stuff.

I'm feeling better this afternoon though. The doppler we ordered came several days ago but we hadn't had any luck with it. The instructions say its not strong enough to pick up anything before 12 weeks and since I've continued to be pretty sick, I really wasn't too concerned. But today I needed it to work and it did. Talk about your answered prayers. P was able to find Rico and we could hear the heartbeat loud and clear--well, as long as I held my breath! Just the reassurance I needed today. It was like hearing God talk to us.

I also think I'm ready to unlock my blog. So far, only a couple people have had access to it. I've decided against going back and editing some of the older posts. One, I can't relive the pain reading them would bring right now. Two, the pain was too real to just erase the record of it. So if you stumble across this blog and want to read about my journey for the past several months, it's here in black and write.

One thing that has surprised me on my journey is how beneficial it has been to share my experiences with someone going through her own version of that pain. I pray that I and she never have to experience that pain again.

More later...Happy 4th.