Drama Queen...

Looks like he's had a rough day, doesn't he? I looked over and he'd managed to shove his head under a pillow for a nap out of the sunshine.

This was a pretty rough week for me. Tuesday night was a really painful night, but Wednesday morning I felt a little better--the physical pain relieved some of the emotional pain. Still, it was a really hormonal week and I just wanted to curl up and not do anything most of the week. Last night was a emotional meltdown but I've felt better today. I'm so lucky to have P--I know this has all been hard on him too, plus he's had to deal with my sensitivity and hormones.

We go see the specialist in a couple of weeks. P ran into my doctor one day this week and she told him that the last lab panel we ran came back normal so hopefully we're dealing with no further complications than the MTHFR and my age. After the specialist appointment we'll talk about trying again--maybe we should wait until after vacation. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I'm not sure how many more tries I have in me. I know I can only try as many times as I can handle loss.

This week would have been the due date for the second pregnancy. I don't remember exactly what day--I think it was the 21st. If you're reading this, say a prayer for my lost Peanut.

As expected...

My hormone levels have dropped since Tuesday. Looks like Sprout isn't going to make it. I got off the phone with my doctor feeling hopeful about the future though. There are some more tests we can run to see if I have any other genetic abnormalities and she's going to send me to see a Fetal Medicine Specialist to see if he thinks about my situation. It sucks, but I feel hopeful it can happen. And I don't feel the sense of urgency I felt before about trying to get pregnant again RIGHT NOW.

The Lord made this day. I'm having a hard time rejoicing, but I can be hopeful and I know He is here. And I know I have a wonderful husband next to me.

Out, damn'd spot

I don't like Shakespeare and have never read Macbeth but the "out damn'd spot" line has popped into my head each time I've started spotting with a pregnancy. It was back last night. My HCG levels are on the low side. I'll have them checked again tomorrow afternoon to find out for sure if I'm losing this pregnancy but I'm pretty sure I am.

My doctor told Patrick last night that the heartbeat on last week's ultrasound was low, but the radiologist thought it was just because it was so early.

This is the day the Lord has made, but I don't know how to rejoice in it. I just feel numb.

This is the day...

This is the day I woke up really worried about the pregnancy. I was optimistic Friday, anxious yesterday, and worried today.

This is the day we went to church and Pastor Ron discussed how sin weighs us down. I realized how weighed down I feel by my worry. One of P's favorite Bible verses is Matthew 6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I'm worried about the tomorrows. I'm weighed down by this.

I'm worried about the what ifs....things that I really have no basis to even be concerned about at this point. What if the ultrasound measurement is reflective of a growth issue? (The measurement was within a range considered normal in light of the accuracy of the test and we have nothing to compare that to at this point.) What if the heart isn't beating properly? (We SAW a heartbeat which is a great sign at this point. It appeared to start beating as we watched it.) What if? What if? What if? Yes, it would have been more reassuring if the tech had measured Sprout to be exactly what we thought and we'd been able to hear a 130 BPM heart beat, but that wasn't the case. The measurements which are supposed to be +-10 days, came back 8 days off what we thought. We saw the heart beat flickering on the screen--sometimes it can't even be detected at this point. The report stated the pregnancy is viable at this point. My worries can bring no more answers.

As I've written before, the sermon a few weeks ago about time being an unopened gift has been very reassuring to me. Psalms 118:24 "This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it." I must replace my worries over the unknown of tomorrow with the focus on what we know today. Worrying about tomorrow does no good, certainly worrying about the next ultrasound in 11 days does no good.

I prayed for a sign during the ultrasound that everything will be fine. Then we saw the heartbeat. Part of me feels like I should trust that as reassurance from God that the pregnancy will work and I feel guilty that I can't trust that feeling. P says that instead I need to accept it as a sign that regardless of what happens, God will be there and things will happen according to His plan. I also know regardless of what happens, P will be there supporting me also.

So after church today, after my ramblings here, I feel better. I have to keep reminding myself of what we know TODAY and remind myself that we can wait until tomorrow to deal with the worries.

I'm sure I'll keep coming back to read this post in the days ahead.

Word of the day...

Viable [vahy-uh-buhl]

–adjective 1. capable of living.
2. Physiology. a. physically fitted to live.
b. (of a fetus) having reached such a stage of development as to be capable of living, under normal conditions, outside the uterus.

3. Botany. able to live and grow.
4. vivid; real; stimulating, as to the intellect, imagination, or senses: a period of history that few teachers can make viable for students.
5. practicable; workable: a viable alternative.
6. having the ability to grow, expand, develop, etc.: a new and viable country.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1820–30; < F, equiv. to vie life (< L vīta) + -able -able

The ultrasound report states this is a viable pregnancy (not definition b--it's way too early for that of course but capable of living). I measured a bit behind what was expected, but the heartbeat was found. These are good things. We're going to do another one in a couple of weeks to make sure Sprout is growing.

Today I rejoice.

Uncertain certainty

We had our ultrasound. At first she couldn't find anything. ANYTHING. The tech let me pee and we moved on to a vaginal ultrasound. We saw the gestational sac. We saw a blob. It started flickering. A heartbeat. We know these things. We couldn't HEAR the heartbeat. We don't know how fast it was. We don't know how regular it was. We don't know what the final report said.

The tech first said I was only measuring about 5 weeks (this was before we even saw the fetus), later she said 6. And things are so early that a few days this way or that can make a huge difference in what is expected--in what normal is. Things are also rather subjective at this point. Was she measuring too fast? Was the cursor a fraction of a centimeter too far to the right? To the left?

But we are certain we saw the fetus. Our little blob. Our little Sprout. And we saw it flickering. Our little flicker. Our little heartbeat. On this day, we have a Sprout with a heartbeat. Praise God.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring a few more answers....the report findings, if the heartbeat was normal, when we'll get to check again. But for today, I rejoice.

Snot, snot

I'm not sure where all the fluid in my head came from, but it started last night. By bedtime, I couldn't lay down without everything clogging up. Well, not everything. Just my nose. That which I use to breathe. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well. I slept part of the night half sitting up in bed--I should have gone to a recliner instead. Not sure if its just a cold or what--tis the season and P had some congestion over the weekend so I could have caught something from him in my pregnancy-weakened immune state. My eyes were watering some last night which made me think it was allergies but no watering through the night or today. Whatever. I had the box of Benadryl in my hand last night but the big WHAT IF? came into my mind. Last time I got a bad case of the snots right at seven weeks too (increased estrogen and blood volume could be to blame--"pregnancy rhinitis"). Last time I took Benadryl and Robitussin. Last time there was an unhappy ending. I know it's SUPPOSED to be safe. I know it PROBABLY wasn't related to that at all. I KNOW those things. Still I put the box of Benadryl back in the cabinet. I can tough out the snots without drugs to mask the symptoms.

I had a small emotional meltdown this morning too. I asked P if he had time to go to the store for me before he went to work and he said no but he could stop on the way home. I was running out of tissues and wanted some of the soothing, slimy Puffs with lotion added so I told him I'd go myself this morning. When he found out what I wanted, he went to get them. In under two minutes, I went from being fine emotionally, to being upset that he didn't have time to take care of me, to feeling guilty that I'd asked him to do something for me. There are definitely some hormones in me somewhere.

Going to go eat some Jello now. Jello, pudding, and tomato soup from Panera (which I've been wanting for 3 days now--they didn't have any yesterday) are the only things that sound good.

Three shots....

Three more injections, then we get to make sure Sprout's really there. Three more injections. That seems shorter than thinking three days or seventy-two hours. Just three more injections. Something that is so quick, completed in just seconds. Once I do that three more times, we'll be able to look to make sure Sprout is in there. Make sure his little heart is beating. Make sure he doesn't have a roommate. Three more injections.

But I try to focus on today. This is the day. I am pregnant and I am grateful.

5 days....

Ultrasound countdown! I can't wait to see Sprout on that little screen. I'm excited, scared, and nervous all at the same time.