And on the scale... She's finally gained her birth weight back and making some progress upwards...
And her closet door that her cousin R painted for her...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
One month!
I can't believe Isla is a month old already! Here are her pictures with Winston...
And on the scale... She's finally gained her birth weight back and making some progress upwards...
And her closet door that her cousin R painted for her...
And on the scale... She's finally gained her birth weight back and making some progress upwards...
And her closet door that her cousin R painted for her...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
BF Update....
I guess what I've given up on is the practice of "triple feeding." I think the ritual of BF, bottle, pump is a large part of what broke me. I talked with the LC today and let her know I'm worn down and am going to meet with her Monday. Since then I've decided I'm not ready to totally give up on breast milk or even breast feeding. But I do have to break from the stress of triple feeding. I didn't even know that's what its called until I read the chapter on challenges breast feeding in my book this morning. There's a little blurb in the back about the practice and it describes it as "an enormous commitment of time and effort." Reading this made me feel like less of a wimp. I knew its a PITA but at least I now know that most people see it as a PITA! I feel relieved about this decision. And Isla and I had probably our best breast feeding session this morning. This evening I pumped and she inhaled the bounty. Maybe if I can feed/pump a set number of times a day I can have a schedule for me even before she's ready for a schedule. (I need a schedule).
Ready to give up...
on breastfeeding. I probably wouldn't have tried it, but its so important to P that I agreed to. Plus I do know its better for babies. I started reading and although I was more worried about breastfeeding than the entire labor/delivery thing, I wanted to try it. I wanted to enjoy it and feel warm and fuzzy about it and feel like it was my and Isla's special bonding time. Maybe the worry that those things wouldn't happen were self-perpetuating. First it just didn't seem like she was getting milk even though the LCs said she was latched correctly and was sucking. Then I had to supplement with formula because of jaundice and we found out she'd lost more than 10% of her birth weight. Then she didn't gain her birth weight back by 2 weeks. Or 3 weeks. Herbal supplements didn't help with my suppy. Reglan does but I still don't seem to make enough milk. Some days I check Isla's pre and post feeding weights and the scale says she's not getting any milk from me--other days it says an ounce or an ounce and a half but I can never tell based on how it seems she's been feeding. There's milk in the nipple shield when she's nursing which suggests she's getting milk but the sheild has become so cumbersome.
So for the past few weeks, I've been breastfeeding, then giving her formula, then (most of the time) pumping to try to increase my supply. The hope was I'd eventually be able to exclusively breastfeed and the warm and fuzzy feelings about breastfeeding would kick in. Meanwhile I have the negative feelings of feeling like cattle with the baby attached to my boob all the time. PLUS the feelings of failure because I can't do this "right". I can't follow the Pediatric Associations' recommendations to exclusively breastfeed. Plus I think I blame the breastfeeding for her having lost so much weight and for her slow progress gaining it back. And I know that some breast milk is better than none, but I can't help but wonder how much she's getting (beyond the few ounces a day I know I pump) and whether or not that actually makes a difference in terms of the benefits of breastfeeding.
And I've felt like I have no choice in doing things this way. I know this is so important to P. Before Isla was born, I told him that among my other fears was that I wouldn't like it and I'd resent Isla for it. At that time I remember him saying that if it didn't work, it didn't work and we'd formula feed. But so many other times his reaction to the situation has been to suggest to pump and feed. I don't know how many times I've heard him say he doesn't care how she gets breast milk as long as she gets breast milk. I've read about what is involved in exclusively pumping and feeding--its recommended to pump every 2 hours around the clock. I can't. I just can't. And that's still not as effective as baby nursing in drawing out milk (which is already apparently a problem--hey, maybe the pump is more effective than my child).
Last night (or rather 3ish this morning), I broke. I was trying to get her to nurse. Trying to hold her, support my breast, hold her hands out of the way, and hold the nipple shield in place. And getting clawed in already sore nipples the whole time. I can't keep doing things this way. I feel like such a failure and worry that my fears about breast feeding have been what caused things to work out this way. P told me we can go to just formula feeding but I'm not sure that's what I want to do either but I am glad to have that option. He said he's told me before we can do that. He has, but so many more times I've heard "breast milk, breast milk, breast milk."
I don't think I'm ready to totally give up on breast milk but I am ready to give up the idea that at some point we can exclusively breast feed. I don't know if I'm ready to give up on feeding her myself or not. I'm going to keep pumping for the weekend and talk to the LC Monday (there's one on call for the weekend, but I know the one I've talked with the most is off this weekend and I think having the weekend away from the issue would be a good thing anyway). I think at this point I'm leaning toward the idea of pumping 3 or 4 times a day and using that to supplement formula but not trying to feed her from the breast anymore. I think I'm getting too frustrated with her doing that. I don't want that. One thing I want to talk to the LC about before just totally going that route is whether things might be different if we get her off the nipple shield. I've tried weaning her off it but haven't been successful. But maybe I need to explore that as a final option before giving up on doing more than pumping.
Meanwhile, Isla still wasn't up to birthweight yesterday--she was only an ounce shy though. Still at over 3 weeks, I'm worrying.
The rest of yesterday wasn't a great day either. On the way home from the doctor's office I realized I forgot to kennel Bumper when I left. Half the kitchen trash was in the kitchen floor. He dragged the other half into our bedroom and tore it up in there. Not sure what all he ate out of the trash but he puked on the (new!) carpet in our room too. Later last night Isla managed to spit up all over both of us. I caught her midpoop when I was changing her clothes and she managed to pee all over me when I changed that diaper. Then last night she ate at 9:30, 11:30, 1:30, 3:30, and at 6:30 this morning--just small feedings though. P's on call all weekend so I tried not to interrupt his sleep (other than when I lost it bawling at 3:30 this morning). Luckily he didn't have any pages or have to leave. Mom's coming over the morning to watch Isla for me to nap. Hopefully my eyelids will start getting heavy again in about 10 minutes and let me do just that.
So for the past few weeks, I've been breastfeeding, then giving her formula, then (most of the time) pumping to try to increase my supply. The hope was I'd eventually be able to exclusively breastfeed and the warm and fuzzy feelings about breastfeeding would kick in. Meanwhile I have the negative feelings of feeling like cattle with the baby attached to my boob all the time. PLUS the feelings of failure because I can't do this "right". I can't follow the Pediatric Associations' recommendations to exclusively breastfeed. Plus I think I blame the breastfeeding for her having lost so much weight and for her slow progress gaining it back. And I know that some breast milk is better than none, but I can't help but wonder how much she's getting (beyond the few ounces a day I know I pump) and whether or not that actually makes a difference in terms of the benefits of breastfeeding.
And I've felt like I have no choice in doing things this way. I know this is so important to P. Before Isla was born, I told him that among my other fears was that I wouldn't like it and I'd resent Isla for it. At that time I remember him saying that if it didn't work, it didn't work and we'd formula feed. But so many other times his reaction to the situation has been to suggest to pump and feed. I don't know how many times I've heard him say he doesn't care how she gets breast milk as long as she gets breast milk. I've read about what is involved in exclusively pumping and feeding--its recommended to pump every 2 hours around the clock. I can't. I just can't. And that's still not as effective as baby nursing in drawing out milk (which is already apparently a problem--hey, maybe the pump is more effective than my child).
Last night (or rather 3ish this morning), I broke. I was trying to get her to nurse. Trying to hold her, support my breast, hold her hands out of the way, and hold the nipple shield in place. And getting clawed in already sore nipples the whole time. I can't keep doing things this way. I feel like such a failure and worry that my fears about breast feeding have been what caused things to work out this way. P told me we can go to just formula feeding but I'm not sure that's what I want to do either but I am glad to have that option. He said he's told me before we can do that. He has, but so many more times I've heard "breast milk, breast milk, breast milk."
I don't think I'm ready to totally give up on breast milk but I am ready to give up the idea that at some point we can exclusively breast feed. I don't know if I'm ready to give up on feeding her myself or not. I'm going to keep pumping for the weekend and talk to the LC Monday (there's one on call for the weekend, but I know the one I've talked with the most is off this weekend and I think having the weekend away from the issue would be a good thing anyway). I think at this point I'm leaning toward the idea of pumping 3 or 4 times a day and using that to supplement formula but not trying to feed her from the breast anymore. I think I'm getting too frustrated with her doing that. I don't want that. One thing I want to talk to the LC about before just totally going that route is whether things might be different if we get her off the nipple shield. I've tried weaning her off it but haven't been successful. But maybe I need to explore that as a final option before giving up on doing more than pumping.
Meanwhile, Isla still wasn't up to birthweight yesterday--she was only an ounce shy though. Still at over 3 weeks, I'm worrying.
The rest of yesterday wasn't a great day either. On the way home from the doctor's office I realized I forgot to kennel Bumper when I left. Half the kitchen trash was in the kitchen floor. He dragged the other half into our bedroom and tore it up in there. Not sure what all he ate out of the trash but he puked on the (new!) carpet in our room too. Later last night Isla managed to spit up all over both of us. I caught her midpoop when I was changing her clothes and she managed to pee all over me when I changed that diaper. Then last night she ate at 9:30, 11:30, 1:30, 3:30, and at 6:30 this morning--just small feedings though. P's on call all weekend so I tried not to interrupt his sleep (other than when I lost it bawling at 3:30 this morning). Luckily he didn't have any pages or have to leave. Mom's coming over the morning to watch Isla for me to nap. Hopefully my eyelids will start getting heavy again in about 10 minutes and let me do just that.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Week 3....
Isla goes back to the doctor this afternoon to see if she's made it back to her birth weight. I think she has, but if she fills a diaper before we go she might not have. Its going to be close.
I have some more pictures to upload. Hopefully I can do that in the next day or two. Its hard to find time to do such things.
I'm still trying to breastfeed but have to supplement with formula. So she breastfeeds, then gets a bottle, then (most of the time) I try to pump. I'm pumping more than I was. It seems like she's BFing better than she was, but that's hard to tell. The eating process takes about an hour, sometimes longer if she's fussy when I'm trying to pump. She usually stays awake a little while after the process, then takes a cat nap and I have to wake her up at 3 hours (that's after its been 3 hours since she ate, not 3 hours of a nap!). At night we'll let her go 4 hours. P's been getting up for the midnight-1 am feeding--it usually takes about 30 minutes after she's done eating to get her back to sleep after that feeding. If there's BF in the fridge, she gets that then, otherwise she gets formula and mommy gets to sleep. I get up for the 4ish feeding and Isla and I go back to sleep about the time P goes to work. I think this is working better than when I was doing the first feeding and P was doing the second--he was having to just stay up and go to work which made for a tired boy. And it works much better than when I was trying to do both feedings! This weekend P's on call though so I don't want him trying to get up with her in case he ends up having to go to work too. I'm going to ask my mom if she can come over Saturday and Sunday mornings to let me get some rest.
Isla's been laying/propping up in her boppy pillow some. She loved the boppy when she was at the photographers last week (can't wait to see those proofs!) so we've been trying some here. We've laid on our play mat a little this week too, but its still a little early for that. She's really practicing holding her head up when she's laying on our chests and she's tracking better and starting to turn to voices. Mom insists she knows Grandma's voice.
Well, Buttercup is waking up from her cat nap. We have a little time to talk and play before we leave for the doctor's office. I'll write more and upload pics when I get a chance.
I have some more pictures to upload. Hopefully I can do that in the next day or two. Its hard to find time to do such things.
I'm still trying to breastfeed but have to supplement with formula. So she breastfeeds, then gets a bottle, then (most of the time) I try to pump. I'm pumping more than I was. It seems like she's BFing better than she was, but that's hard to tell. The eating process takes about an hour, sometimes longer if she's fussy when I'm trying to pump. She usually stays awake a little while after the process, then takes a cat nap and I have to wake her up at 3 hours (that's after its been 3 hours since she ate, not 3 hours of a nap!). At night we'll let her go 4 hours. P's been getting up for the midnight-1 am feeding--it usually takes about 30 minutes after she's done eating to get her back to sleep after that feeding. If there's BF in the fridge, she gets that then, otherwise she gets formula and mommy gets to sleep. I get up for the 4ish feeding and Isla and I go back to sleep about the time P goes to work. I think this is working better than when I was doing the first feeding and P was doing the second--he was having to just stay up and go to work which made for a tired boy. And it works much better than when I was trying to do both feedings! This weekend P's on call though so I don't want him trying to get up with her in case he ends up having to go to work too. I'm going to ask my mom if she can come over Saturday and Sunday mornings to let me get some rest.
Isla's been laying/propping up in her boppy pillow some. She loved the boppy when she was at the photographers last week (can't wait to see those proofs!) so we've been trying some here. We've laid on our play mat a little this week too, but its still a little early for that. She's really practicing holding her head up when she's laying on our chests and she's tracking better and starting to turn to voices. Mom insists she knows Grandma's voice.
Well, Buttercup is waking up from her cat nap. We have a little time to talk and play before we leave for the doctor's office. I'll write more and upload pics when I get a chance.
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