Adoption....

I haven’t written much about our quest to adopt a baby. I’m not sure why—I think maybe because it’s such an ongoing exercise in faith for me that I have to keep processing and reprocessing things in my head and in my heart. And I keep realizing different ways that God’s guiding this journey so it doesn’t feel like I know everything that has happened yet. But I read something last night that made me want to find the time and sit down and write the story thus far. SO here’s the story…

I always knew that if I ever had one child, I wanted two. Even during the times I thought I didn’t want to have children, I knew if there was one, there would be two. Then I wanted kids. And I wanted two. And Patrick and I talked about having two.

After our first miscarriage, I was walking around the lake in the county park. Walking and talking to God. Now as I read The Circle Maker I realize that that was my first prayer circle. I walked around the lake several times that day. Walking and praying. I left the park with the clear understanding that God would give us a baby. And it would happen soon.

I was elated and confident when I got pregnant again the next month. When that pregnancy also ended in miscarriage, it really shook my faith. God said soon. But what’s soon? By the time a year had passed, I’d had four miscarriages and no medical test could explain them.

I knew five was my limit but we both felt we would have a baby. I circled the lake praying in April 2008. In May 2009, we conceived Isla. I told God that if He would give us this baby I wouldn’t be greedy and ask for another.

As soon as Isla was born, Patrick went into only child mode and I tried to come to terms with raising an only child. It felt like Patrick’s desire for Isla to be an only child was stronger than my desire for two children so I tried to be okay with one. But I love my family and I’d already seen how a child makes love grow and I wanted to share that with another child.

Before Isla turned two, Patrick changed his mind about a second baby. I think he had to have that time to heal from all the losses prior to Isla. I was seeing signs everywhere about adoption and wondered if we were to go in that direction. But the pregnancy with Isla had gone so well we set aside our fears and decided to try for another biological child. After several months of negative pregnancy tests, we decided we'd try for three more months—if we hadn't conceived in three months, then we’d talk more about adoption. The third month, I was pregnant and felt totally calm about it. I didn’t even call the doctor’s office for a week after I got the positive test. I knew everything was going to be fine—that even if I miscarried, I had Patrick and Isla and I knew God would take care of us.

That first blood test was too low—I'm a veteran of hcg tests and knew the levels should have been higher a week after a positive home test. Over the next couple weeks, my lab work started suggesting the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. That’s when I started worrying and freaking out instead of remembering that God would take care of us. I knew I never wanted to try to get pregnant again. Five miscarriages was truly all I could endure.

The day that we found out that pregnancy wasn’t going to be successful, Patrick came home with the name of the adoption agency one of his coworkers used. He started seeing signs pointing him to adoption everywhere he looked—a display at the movie theater, conversations with friends, storylines on television…. We went to an information session at a local adoption agency. Over Labor Day weekend 2012 we completed our paperwork to start on a home study to move forward on our journey.

Since we started this journey, I’ve started realizing how adoption redeems our past. If we hadn’t had the losses before Isla, we’d keep trying for another biological child. But if God hadn’t blessed us with Isla, it’s doubtful we would have pursued adoption as a way to start our family.

It took three months to complete our home study. My feelings about adoption kept growing stronger as I talked with others who had travelled this path. November is Adoption Awareness Month and our church actively supports adoption. This year they invited families with adopted children to come on stage--the stage was full. My heart almost burst with the possibility that we could be onstage with a baby next year.

The week after Adoption Sunday at church we had the final interview of our home study. The social worker asked tough "how will you handle" situational questions. When I got home I seriously questioned what we were doing. Can I handle this? What would I do if someone made rude comments to us in the grocery store? Should we be more restrictive about the type of background from which we can accept a child?

When we got to church Sunday, Pastor Ron wasn't there--he had to unexpectedly leave town after Saturday night's service. Brett was filling in.

Brett said he was using Ron's notes, but the sermon was obviously his. I'm sorry to say I don't remember what scriptures were the basis for the message but there were two things Brett said that I will never forget. First, when God calls us to do something, He's not concerned about our comfort. Then he told us about one of the college kids he knows. This student's family was in the process of adopting another special needs child and someone asked him if that wasn't hard on him and the rest of the family that his parents were adopting again. He told them “yes it is, but it's not about us.”

Sometimes God is subtle; sometimes He’s not.

There have been several times since then that I've prayed and had answers quite clearly presented to me. We decided to use the agency that Patrick's coworker used but once we started working with them, I didn't get a great feeling. After praying about it, I found an agency in Florida that felt right. It feels like a ministry instead of a business. As I prayed for guidance in choosing between the two, a negative interaction with the first agency would be immediately followed by a positive with the second. We withdrew from the first agency and signed paperwork for the second.


We don't have a baby in our arms yet. That's okay. I know God has a baby for us and has set everything in motion for us. For the most part, I remember that as we wait. Occasionally I get a bit impatient--then I go to church and my concerns are addressed in that week’s sermon. I’ve worried about whether it's pestering God to pray for something you know He is handling--that weekend our service was about persistence in prayer. As I started reading The Circle Maker I realized it's time for me to praise Him for our adoption, not just pray about it. He put the desire in our heart. We are following His guidance. We have taken the steps we need to take to make things happen. He has hand-picked the child we will be blessed with. He has the time frame determined. I must circle the matter with my prayers for the expectant mother, prayers for workers at the adoption agency, prayers for all the other parents waiting for their babies, and praise for God for setting it all in motion. Now is the time to wait, and pray, and praise.

Interestingly, a friend of mine who rarely remembers dreaming, keeps having dreams of us with little girls. But the neighbor who gave me The Circle Maker says her prayer circles around us always include a little boy. She says he’s there without her even thinking about it.

I can’t wait to tell you who is right. Meanwhile, I’m learning a lot about God while we wait.