on breastfeeding. I probably wouldn't have tried it, but its so important to P that I agreed to. Plus I do know its better for babies. I started reading and although I was more worried about breastfeeding than the entire labor/delivery thing, I wanted to try it. I wanted to enjoy it and feel warm and fuzzy about it and feel like it was my and Isla's special bonding time. Maybe the worry that those things wouldn't happen were self-perpetuating. First it just didn't seem like she was getting milk even though the LCs said she was latched correctly and was sucking. Then I had to supplement with formula because of jaundice and we found out she'd lost more than 10% of her birth weight. Then she didn't gain her birth weight back by 2 weeks. Or 3 weeks. Herbal supplements didn't help with my suppy. Reglan does but I still don't seem to make enough milk. Some days I check Isla's pre and post feeding weights and the scale says she's not getting any milk from me--other days it says an ounce or an ounce and a half but I can never tell based on how it seems she's been feeding. There's milk in the nipple shield when she's nursing which suggests she's getting milk but the sheild has become so cumbersome.
So for the past few weeks, I've been breastfeeding, then giving her formula, then (most of the time) pumping to try to increase my supply. The hope was I'd eventually be able to exclusively breastfeed and the warm and fuzzy feelings about breastfeeding would kick in. Meanwhile I have the negative feelings of feeling like cattle with the baby attached to my boob all the time. PLUS the feelings of failure because I can't do this "right". I can't follow the Pediatric Associations' recommendations to exclusively breastfeed. Plus I think I blame the breastfeeding for her having lost so much weight and for her slow progress gaining it back. And I know that some breast milk is better than none, but I can't help but wonder how much she's getting (beyond the few ounces a day I know I pump) and whether or not that actually makes a difference in terms of the benefits of breastfeeding.
And I've felt like I have no choice in doing things this way. I know this is so important to P. Before Isla was born, I told him that among my other fears was that I wouldn't like it and I'd resent Isla for it. At that time I remember him saying that if it didn't work, it didn't work and we'd formula feed. But so many other times his reaction to the situation has been to suggest to pump and feed. I don't know how many times I've heard him say he doesn't care how she gets breast milk as long as she gets breast milk. I've read about what is involved in exclusively pumping and feeding--its recommended to pump every 2 hours around the clock. I can't. I just can't. And that's still not as effective as baby nursing in drawing out milk (which is already apparently a problem--hey, maybe the pump is more effective than my child).
Last night (or rather 3ish this morning), I broke. I was trying to get her to nurse. Trying to hold her, support my breast, hold her hands out of the way, and hold the nipple shield in place. And getting clawed in already sore nipples the whole time. I can't keep doing things this way. I feel like such a failure and worry that my fears about breast feeding have been what caused things to work out this way. P told me we can go to just formula feeding but I'm not sure that's what I want to do either but I am glad to have that option. He said he's told me before we can do that. He has, but so many more times I've heard "breast milk, breast milk, breast milk."
I don't think I'm ready to totally give up on breast milk but I am ready to give up the idea that at some point we can exclusively breast feed. I don't know if I'm ready to give up on feeding her myself or not. I'm going to keep pumping for the weekend and talk to the LC Monday (there's one on call for the weekend, but I know the one I've talked with the most is off this weekend and I think having the weekend away from the issue would be a good thing anyway). I think at this point I'm leaning toward the idea of pumping 3 or 4 times a day and using that to supplement formula but not trying to feed her from the breast anymore. I think I'm getting too frustrated with her doing that. I don't want that. One thing I want to talk to the LC about before just totally going that route is whether things might be different if we get her off the nipple shield. I've tried weaning her off it but haven't been successful. But maybe I need to explore that as a final option before giving up on doing more than pumping.
Meanwhile, Isla still wasn't up to birthweight yesterday--she was only an ounce shy though. Still at over 3 weeks, I'm worrying.
The rest of yesterday wasn't a great day either. On the way home from the doctor's office I realized I forgot to kennel Bumper when I left. Half the kitchen trash was in the kitchen floor. He dragged the other half into our bedroom and tore it up in there. Not sure what all he ate out of the trash but he puked on the (new!) carpet in our room too. Later last night Isla managed to spit up all over both of us. I caught her midpoop when I was changing her clothes and she managed to pee all over me when I changed that diaper. Then last night she ate at 9:30, 11:30, 1:30, 3:30, and at 6:30 this morning--just small feedings though. P's on call all weekend so I tried not to interrupt his sleep (other than when I lost it bawling at 3:30 this morning). Luckily he didn't have any pages or have to leave. Mom's coming over the morning to watch Isla for me to nap. Hopefully my eyelids will start getting heavy again in about 10 minutes and let me do just that.
To be totally honest, I was so relieved when I finally gave up pumping. I had the added pressure of feeling like my NICU baby "needed" breast milk. I was so tired of pumping around the clock and having to take reglan, fenugreek, and mother's milk tea just to pump an ounce. My OB was the voice of reason who finally told me to quit. He said a well-rested, less stressed mama was much more important to a baby than being exclusively breastfed. I felt terrible guilt for about a week, then started feeling so much better when I was rested and not emotionally exhausted from crying every time I needed to pump. There are a lot more factors than breastfeeding that determine how a baby grows and learns. Formula fed babies do just fine. Isla will be fine no matter what you decide. I'm praying for both you!
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